Santa is a Lie!
by aflaskj
Summary: The things Mello does when he just wants to ask Santa something... Oh boy. Contains Mello, Matt, and Near. Crack-ish... no pairings.


**This is just a little one shot I found for y'all for Christmas Eve. Might be OOC and crack-ish.**

**WARNING: Making fun of Santa. I'm sorry if you think he's real and awesome and all that. Hehehe… **

**Set before L dies. Somewhere around there…though it doesn't make sense since he dies **_**before**_** Christmas…but whatever. :P **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note—if I DID I'd…yeah. I would have changed a LOT of things…first with Naomi Misora…then the **_**world.**_** (that scares me)**

**------------**

On Christmas Eve the snow was just falling on the ground. Wammy's House was covered from head to toe with the fluffy stuff and the children were out playing. Christmas decorations littered the yard and lights dazzled anyone within walking distance, forcing them to stare at the entrancing mansion.

Everyone was playing around in the snow, making snow forts, snow angels, or just fooling around.

Everyone but one child.

Everyone but…_Near._

Oh, how that boy made Mello's veins pop. _Such an arrogant…_

"Wuss, he's probably afraid of the snow," Mello snorted as he grabbed his leather jacket on.

"Where are you going, Mello?" Matt called from his position on the couch—hands framing the Gameboy pressed too close to his goggle-covered eyes.

Near began to speak without lifting his eyes from the puzzle he was working on. "There is a seventy—"

"Out, what do you think?" Mello cut off the white haired kid rudely.

Matt actually decided to pause his game and asked, "Out _out_ or just outside in the snow?"

Mello smirked and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I believe Mello should not go out."

_Awesome…_

"Oh yeah, coming from you I should totally listen to such great advice!" Mello snapped at Near.

"Mello will get in trouble."

"Do you think I care?"

"You should."

"Why—"

"If you break the rules now Roger will be less lenient later on, furthering my chance of being L's successor." Mello could just _hear_ the laughter in his eyes.

_The stupid little…_

"He's right y'know, Mels."

_Traitor!_

"Oh, go curl up and die! Both of you!" Mello growled and stepped out the door.

"Mel_lo!_ Wait!" Matt quickly shoved his Gameboy into his pocket and ran out after him—leaving the door open and the cold inside.

Near just stared out. He watched the two forms run farther away from view, one chasing the other…and then vice versa.

Near brought his eyes back down to his puzzle. They were going to get busted.

He really wished someone would close the door. No one would make him stand up and do it himself right?

-

"Mels!"

"Get away from me!"

They were about two blocks away from Wammy's. Mello had been outrunning Matt and then when Matt caught up to him and stole his freakin' _gun_ Mello turned the tables.

Mello had caught him easily and wrestled with him for his gun. After achieving it, Mello sprinted away leaving a frustrated red head without his goggles. Sometimes Matt wondered exactly _why_ they were friends_…_

"Come on Mello! Give me back my goggles!"

"Just be glad it isn't your Gameboy!"

Mello was about to make a turn when he skidded on the ice on the sidewalk. _Shiznit!_

Mello was about to pull himself up when he saw some boots come into his vision. He looked up and scowled. Matt had his goggles back on—_probably slid to him too_—and was offering his hand.

Mello brushed him off and stood up. He began to walk away when Matt shouted, "Oh come on! I'll come with you!"

And when Mello turned his head to look over his shoulder at Matt and smiled he knew why they were friends.

-

"So why are we going to the mall?" Matt asked his friend as they made their way across a packed parking lot while his eyes were drawn to the screen against his hands.

"Nothing special. I just needed to get out of that place."

Everything was going smooth for Mello. He managed to leave Wammy's for a bit before the dreaded adoption program began and he was able to do it with his friend and _without_ the abomination.

_Speak of the devil._

"How did you get over here?" Mello snarled at the boy who could resemble Frosty the Snowman this time of year.

He was twirling his hair with one finger and regarded Matt and Mello with a distant look. "I walked."

"_No!_ You _slouched!_" Mello snapped at him. Matt glared at Mello for a bit as if to say, _Hands off the gun!_

"I thought you didn't _do_ the outdoors," Matt asked Near.

"This mall is indoor."

_Oh yeah, your logic totally makes sense._

"Ugh! Fine, whatever! Just don't get in our way!" Mello told Near and shoved him out of the way.

Near shrugged it off and followed Matt and Mello.

…until he saw the busy store labeled "Toys R Us".

Drool.

Score one for the albino boy.

-

"Where exactly are you taking me?"

"I'm not taking _you_ anywhere. I can get there myself if you don't want to come."

"Okay. Where is it you are going?"

"…Santa."

"You're joking."

"'Fraid not."

"Wow, Mello…"

"Don't even say it!"

"Nothing, nothing…" But Matt couldn't hide the snickers behind his Gameboy.

"You have something to say to me?" Mello looked like he was about to pounce Matt and when his eyes widened. "I don't believe it…"

"What?"

"The elves are giving out free chocolate!"

"…now we _got_ to go to Santa?"

"Darn right."

Matt sighed and followed Mello who was soon going to be on a sugar buzz the whole night and probably in the morning.

Poor Roger.

"Hey where'd Near go?' Matt said suddenly noticing the missing boy. But his voice fell on deaf ears as Mello was already charging himself through the line of loud and obnoxious kids eager to tell some fat man about they're latest selfish desires.

Suddenly, Matt realized where Near was. _Oh no, I have to tell Mello soon…_

But then he noticed the store that was labeled "Gamestop".

Drool.

-

Mello was one away from Santa in line when he noticed a familiar face under his beard. It was…_Santa Claus!_

_Oh boy, back to square one. Of _course_ it is Santa! Who did I think it'd be--Kira?!_

Completely ignoring that horrifying assumption, Mello stepped onto the platform that contained the fat man.

As Mello sat in Santa's lap and all the parents in the back of the line groaned, Santa said, "Hee hee hee! What can I get for you?"

"Wait a second! Don't you say 'ho ho ho ho'?"

Santa looked shocked but then gestured him to come closer and whispered to him, "Cut it out, kid. You know you are not supposed to curse in front of the children."

"By saying 'ho ho ho'?!"

"Quit swearing!"

"No!"

"Quit!"

"Ho ho _ho!"_

Santa's face started to burn red when he spewed, "Mihael Keehl, stop swearing at once! Think of the _children!_"

That was the worse thing he could ever say.

"You know…my n-name?!"

This time Santa smiled, happy to know there was one way to stop him from swearing, "Of course I do!"

Too bad that _smile_ looked totally _evil_ from Mello's position on his lap.

"KIRAAAAAA!!!!!"

"Hey, how did he get a gun past security?!"

"It can't be real!"

"My son wants a bike for Christmas!"

"ZOMG!!!!"

Everyone went into chaos when Mello held Santa at gunpoint and demanded for the security guards to arrest him.

"What are you doing?!"

"Stopping you from killing more people, _Kira!_"

"I am not Kira!"

"Then how did you know my name?"

"I am Santa Claus!"

"I wasn't born yesterday!"

"You are correct. You were born December 13, 1986."

"…"

Santa smiled at him.

"I have new information! Not only does Kira need names and a face but he also needs your birthday information!!!"

"I am not Kira!"

"Yes you are! No one else could have known that!"

"Haven't you ever heard the song _Santa Claus Is Coming to Town_?"

"…Yes."

"'He sees you when you're sleeping…he knows when you're awake…'"

"I knew Santa was a stalker!" someone in the now frazzled crowd shouted.

Santa was started to get really annoyed now…after all he had many more malls to make a personal appearance than just this one and this kid was _definitely_ going in the naughty list.

"Mihael…"

"I go by Mello now, Kira."

"If I was Kira wouldn't you be dead?"

Mello hadn't really thought this through.

"And it is the _Second_ Kira who can see everyone's names and lifespan, not the first."

_Crap…I haven't been following on the Kira case as well as I should have…_

"I know your name and birthday because I know everyone else's without having to see their face. I am the _real_ Santa Claus."

Mello really wished he could've shot Near before all this had happened because then he wouldn't have been further humiliated when he noticed Matt with a cart full of games waving his hands and arms spastically shouting, "No!" and pointing to a certain boy when he saw he had finally gotten Mello's attention…

Near.

He had a camera.

That toy camera that _worked_.

Mello was going to be getting coal that night—he just knew it.

If only he hadn't wanted to ask Santa to bring L to Wammy's for Christmas that year…

And he didn't even get the free chocolate the elves were handing out.

Bummer.

Well, there _was_ that one store labeled "Baskin Robbins"…

Maybe they didn't know he was the psycho on Santa Claus lane.

Drool.

**~fin~**

**---------**

**Pure crack. I bet you there are a lot of things wrong with this one shot story wise but I couldn't help it. Oh and I went with Mello's birthday from "How to Read". Not sure when it is in the show. –shrugs-**

**Merry Christmas and remember kids, SANTA IS JUST A STALKER! (yes, in this story that was the real SC, how else would he have known that stuff? :P)**

**And review please, the kittens are meowing for **_**love**_**. :3**

**P.S. Sorry but I don't write full-blown curses and stuff. I just feel REALLY guilty if I do. So Mello might be OOC for that…**


End file.
